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Surrender
Shelley Ann Wake
I walked along the break wall five paces behind my family as the
usual thoughts ran through my head. You don’t fit in. You’re not
good enough. You’ll never be enough.
The rest of my family mingled and chatted. They didn’t seem to
miss me. Families coming the other way laughed their way around
me. I put my arms to my sides to let them pass, frowning at the
thought that I was always just a person in the way.
Young girls in swimsuits wandered calmly past. I wondered how
they managed to feel so free. I couldn’t even wear a swimsuit on
the beach. How could they walk around in one so happily?
I was fourteen. I was supposed to be young and free like those
girls. Why was I walking alone feeling so sad? Why wasn’t I
smiling and laughing? Everything around me seemed to taunt me,
as it always did. Happy family, happy young girls, happy world,
and then me.
I walked a few more steps behind, partly because I wanted to
blend into nothingness and partly because I thought walking
sadly alone might be my destiny. Then my family stopped walking
and stood staring out to sea. I stopped a few steps behind them
and looked out. The first thing I noticed was the people
standing on the island opposite.
Everyone’s eyes seemed to be fixed on the same point. Some
people were completely still, some were waving their arms
around, and one woman was crouching down with her head in her
hands.
Then I saw what they were staring at. A boat had overturned
halfway between the island and the break wall. The boat was on
its side and floating in the choppy sea, being slowly pushed
further out to sea. As the boat floated away, I saw what the
people were so concerned about. A man was splashing around in
the water. He was in the deep ocean, far from the island, far
from the shore, and being slowly pushed further out to sea.
I watched as he attempted to swim back toward the island. Even
as he did so, the current pushed him further out to sea. His
strokes became more frantic as he struggled against the current.
His arms waved wildly in a final attempt to swim. His panicked
movement did nothing, with his arms hardly touching the water.
Still, he continued. His panicked movements seemed to increase.
He began to sink beneath the water. He was gone for a minute and
then he emerged, still waving his arms around trying to propel
himself back toward the shore. I could see rescue boats on their
way to him now. But he didn’t see them or hear them. People on
the break wall started yelling, pointing toward the rescue boats
coming from several directions. The man turned in wild circles,
as if he thought the pointing was telling him which way to go.
Or maybe he thought the people were pointing out sharks. He
turned in frantic circles, going under and then reappearing
again.
I stood back and watched the scene. As I watched him turn in
circles, I couldn’t help but think that there was a message here
for me. Here was this man who was going to drown because he
couldn’t just calm down and wait to be saved. He had to splish
and splash and try to save himself. He had to fight the ocean
when the ocean could not be beaten. I could see that all he had
to do was stop fighting and he would be all right.
“Surrender,” I suddenly screamed. “Just surrender and you’ll
float.”
I don’t think he actually heard me, but suddenly that’s just
what he did. In the middle of the ocean, on this choppy sea, he
suddenly stopped struggling and just floated. His body moved
calmly up as the waves passed under him, and then calmly down
again as the waves moved out to sea. He lay on top of this
moving ocean and let it move him as it pleased. A few minutes
later, the rescue boats arrived and he was saved.
My family stood shaking their heads for a little while. Then
they started walking again. I didn’t move. I stood staring out
to sea, thinking about how that man had almost drowned when
saving himself seemed so easy from where I was standing. Yet
from his spot in the water, it wouldn’t have seemed so easy.
The usual thoughts ran through my head. You’re not good enough,
not fun enough, not pretty enough, not loved enough. Then that
one word returned to me: surrender. I thought about my
insecurities and how I was always sad that I could never escape
from them. I thought about how I felt weaker because I could
never beat them.
Surrender, I whispered to myself.
The thoughts and insecurities did not disappear in a heartbeat,
but I did surrender to them. I stopped struggling against them
and floated above them, letting the tide of thoughts drift past
me.
I turned and looked at my family, walking far ahead of me now.
Then I ran. I ran down that break wall, blended into my family,
and walked with them. I let the thoughts flow under me and as I
found myself involved in conversation, I began to feel content.
On that day, I became a person floating on the sea, and I remain
one. My life has not always been smooth. I’ve had my share of
choppiness, but I always float with the tide and I have never
been pulled under. On that day, the sea taught me to surrender.
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